I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
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I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Yoga Matt
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!