@JasonCarney31: "911 what's your emergency?" MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! "Okay. I'll send the police" *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY "AT MARIOKART"

@Dirty_Naomi: I've decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings. Don't know what I will do on Tuesday though?

@kivtur: *steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this? Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

@lawblob: Goodnight Moon, you albino m&m looking space-pebble garbage piece of shit

@liv_thatsme: Hey, small cars: stop masquerading as empty parking spaces. You're enraging us all.