If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
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How software testing works
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
These dogs look like they have good credit.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk