Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
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I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!