Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
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[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason