I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
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Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Yup
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Many hands make light work
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably