@DLin71: Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
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@UncleBob56: Me: Push! Grandkids: But, you're heavy. Me: What did the sign say? Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :(( Me: Rules are rules.
@Diversion50: [solicitor reading my will] "He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose], He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard".
@pinupteacher: [Chaperoning field trip] ME BEFORE WE GO: Only rule is don't lose any kids. AFTER I LOSE A KID: New rule. You're allowed to lose one kid.