Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
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The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Whoa 😂
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
#MeanwhileInCanada
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.