TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
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In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
That’s what I call a flat tire
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls