Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
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INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Me irl
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
There’s only one good girl here!
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me