Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
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Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
At least he brought enough for everyone
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72