[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
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date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Monday Lisa
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Bond. Trauma bond.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.