[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
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All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy: