[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
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Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains