“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
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The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
absolute chaos
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
this country is so goddamn polarized
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*