I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
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I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.