People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
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when the doctor brings med students into your exam
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Cool shirt 🙂
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I know