Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
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Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.