@trayofcheese: Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
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@SteveDutzy: Principal: Your son is a gamer [Parents are visibly shaken] Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs. Parents: OH THANK GOD
@juliussharpe: When I die, I'm not donating my body to science, but I might donate it to the English department and freak the shit out of some people.
@sofarrsogud: My son is happy I'm staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him. He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
@grifteezy: Meet my cat, Hemingway. And my two dogs, Faulkner and Whitman. I know what books are. Ah yes, my macaw approaches. His name is Literature