@trayofcheese: Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
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@whatmaddness: Traffic fantasy: - Someone does something stupid - I give them "the look" - They learn their lesson - The roads are safer because of me
@Brentweets: "In case of emergency break glass" Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can't even open a Cheetos bag.
@KentWGraham: My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
@MeatyPunk: girl: tough guys are hot Me: *hawk lands on my bare arm* I have a gauntlet I just never use it *hawk gnawing on my shoulder* I love this