Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
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“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Cake!!
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!