@badtweetist: *travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history's greatest monster*
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@Reverend_Scott: How's school, Hannah? "Really tough, dad." They're calling you Hannah Banana, aren't they? "No-" WHY THE HELL NOT
@seamussaid: Son: can I go? Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings Son: yeah I know Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
@ParentNormal: I can't tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
@TheBigBatman: Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.