@badtweetist: *travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history's greatest monster*
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@murrman5: "when people say different color bell peppers taste different" [doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically
@GlennyRodge: A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks "why the long..." "wait a minute, did you see that typo?" interrupts the horse.
@sploosk: If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year