[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
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Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me