[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
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Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
this is literally a CIA plant
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Cause of death: Zumba
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .