[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
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in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.