anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
You Might Also Like
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt