Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
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*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.