@CallMeDraper: Treadmills should just have one big button that says "Make Me Look Good Naked."
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@elizabeth_fels: PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I'll kill him ELENA: He's not! PUTIN: (softly) u...s... [bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!
@ch000ch: You: (about to show me a video on your phone) Me: oh haha ya i've seen this already but def don't ask me any questions about it
@blairgarner: To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, "Here, just fill this out." ?
@_knuck_: *peeing in the urinal at McDonalds* *turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal* "So, what did you order?"