@CallMeDraper: Treadmills should just have one big button that says "Make Me Look Good Naked."
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@bigTman001: Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir? Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?
@TheToddWilliams: [boss's office] BOSS: Do you like my fire place? ME: Actually, it's one word: "fireplace" BOSS: You're fired ME: Oh, I get it now
@DaddyJew: Doctor: drink 2 cups of water before each meal Me: why? D: it tricks your stomach into thinking its full M: that sounds like a mean trick
@jdforshort: Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust Now I'm dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble