My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
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(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I thought this was funny lol
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going