Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
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Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.