Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
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Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I feel it
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.