On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
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Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations