Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
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Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.