Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
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I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.