Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
You Might Also Like
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
This is always good for a laugh.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?