Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
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Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Hmmmmm
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung