Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
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*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.