*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
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Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Every haunted house movie:
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.