*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
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[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Those are good neighbors.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
How to draw a duck
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.