TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
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so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt