TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
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7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.