(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
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I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My teenage children choosing violence
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.