@SweetTweetsBRO: Trees have done a lot of shady things in their lives.
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@FknVancouver: My dog is so excited about me washing the car that I'm starting to think he borrows it while I'm asleep
@killerdollrik: I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes - "open bar"
@Thynebear: Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
@Book_Krazy: New neighbor: Hi. It's nice to meet you. Me: It's nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9 Neighbor: What's your Twitter @ Me: DAMMIT