Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
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A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
This is what makes twitter great
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what