Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
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Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
the red hot silly peppers
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Personal question. #JustSaying
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Cha-ching is my safe word
nice challenge
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.