@Dawn_M_: Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
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@KevinFarzad: If you're an astronaut and you don't end every relationship by saying "look, I just need space" then you're wasting everyone's time.
@ericsshadow: [at my high school reunion] Hey guys, remember last year when we toilet papered Mrs. Krebb's house? "Dude that was in 1991."
@Parkerlawyer: I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.