@Dawn_M_: Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
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@BucMarvin: Me: let's go get a baby dinosaur. Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur? M: at the babysaurus store. W: Baby's R Us you idiot.
@ObscureGent: Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
@internetluke: [leaving HS reunion w/ date] Aren't you going to ask why everybody was calling me 'smelly boy' tonight? "Seemed pretty clear I thought"