My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
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Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*