My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
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Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.