Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
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anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Bring back the McRib
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying