[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
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Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.