[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
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I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee