My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
What?
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Raisins are grape jerky.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.