Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
You Might Also Like
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Sing it!
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.