Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
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Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”