I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.